The liberal elite that Republicans are always bitching about will have no say in the US government over the next four years.  Trump won on fear and loathing.  You wanted it – you got it. 

steve-bell

In the opening scene of the movie Downfall, Bruno Ganz as Hitler is shown being kind to Traudl Junge, his new and terrified secretary.  It’s a brilliant scene, reminding us that Hitler the mass murdering monster was also a human being, capable of kindness.  If Donald Trump was a character, a script editor would call him unbelievable and want him rewritten.  Nobody is like that.  Writers learn that villains have to be humanised or they become the other, unreal, inhumane.

It turns out this vain, monstrous man without any seemingly redeeming features is now the most powerful person in the world.  No wonder people are scared. Drain the swamp? He is the swamp.

Like a million other people, I’m trying to make sense of the defeat of the most qualified candidate by the least qualified.   And it wasn’t just angry ground down white people, as 48% of the voters earned more than $250K.  It points to a deeply ingrained misogyny in the US from men and from women.

During the campaign Hillary was told to stop waving her arms about because people found it scary.  She is still being judged for not changing her name over thirty years ago, for being too clever.  When has any man ever been accused of being too clever?  Trump attacked her for having nothing but gender.  She has spent thirty years in public office. She went undercover to report on racism in education.

We’ve all heard about Trump’s bankruptcies, his racism, misogyny, vanity and cruelty.  One story for me, more than anything else, tells us who Trump is.  When his father died, a nephew sued over the distribution of the will.  In revenge, Trump and two siblings deliberately cut off medical aid to the nephew’s baby son who had a life threatening condition.

I had a look at the Facebook page, Women for Trump and asked one woman (very politely) if she’d be happy if her daughter worked for Trump.   Back came the thoughtful reply:

F**k you c***

I tried again on Christians for Trump.  Even more bizarre as one of the few good things about this campaign was the candidates were not trying to Out Jesus each other.  So where did Christians get the idea that Trump was a godly man?  Could it have been that he promised to punish women for getting an abortion?  I asked someone on the forum.  Again I got a brisk response:

God don’t want lisbos.

It’s easy to mock some sections of the US electorate.  Fun too.

But attacks have come from the left too.  Bernie supporters were shouting Bern the witch.  So Hillary is a truly democratic hate figure.  Everyone hates her.  What for?

For keeping her own name

For defending a man accused of raping a 12 year old girl.  She was a public defender.  It was her job.

For saying, during the Gennifer Flowers scandal:  You know, I’m not sitting here – some little woman standing by my man like Tammy Wynette. I’m sitting here because I love him, and I respect him, and I honor what he’s been through and what we’ve been through together.

For having ambition:  I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfil my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life.

As Secretary of State she was personally blamed for the deaths of four US servicemen in Benghazi.

Hilary’s look had to be pared down – approachable, not too glitzy, warm, intelligent . . .but not too much . . . With fashion she can’t win.  Pantsuits mean she’s trying to be a man.  But when she wears more feminine clothes, ugly comments are made about her body.  Page after page is written about her clothes, her hair, her makeup.  Because if you’re not a cosy grandmother and you’re not hot (Trump’s definition of what women should be) then what are you?  A man?

Meanwhile Trump was stomping about mocking the disabled, vomiting racist bilge, openly boasting about sexual assault, and waving his tiny little hands about, a rancid wotsit in a suit.  What was he told to do? How was he ordered to behave?  He won’t even pose in a certain way in case it shows the line in his weave.  In the last week of the campaign, his Twitter account was taken away.  The USA have given the nuclear codes to a man not trusted to run his own twitter account.

Well the government is in Republican hands now, so they can’t whine about Democrats anymore.  The liberal elite they are always complaining about will have no say in the government over the next four years.  You wanted it – you got it.

 

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Why are we more protective of daughters when our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence?

rescue

It’s half term so my daughter (12) and a close friend of hers (13) are both staying with my boyfriend and I in Manchester.  The Girl suggested a trip into town with her friend – let’s call her Molly, and we’ll call my girl, Lara as that’s her name.  When we suggested they might like to go on their own, with some money and maybe have lunch, they were both very pleased.  Had either of them glanced anxiously at each other or us, we would not have pushed them.  Let’s get that clear.  But armed with cash, phones, a map, and the knowledge that both girls get on buses and go to school every day by themselves into a world of weirdoes, pushy adults and misleading road signs, we figured a few hours by themselves in a small city like Manchester would be fine.

So full of pancakes and plans, the girls trotted off to get the train into town.  An hour later while the girls were in a shop, Molly called her mum to say she was having a great time.

Two seconds later, my phone rang and I was treated to a blistering invective from Molly’s mother of how ‘irresponsible’ I was leaving ‘two young girls alone in a city’. Did I have ‘any idea what might happen?’  I was shocked but also bewildered. ‘It’s all right for Lara.  She lives in a city!’ continued the outraged mama.  ‘What do you think is going to happen to them?’ I asked.  ‘They have money and fully charged phones and they really wanted to go.’

But Molly’s mother was scared and furious.  What she meant of course was the fear that roaming gangs of paedophiles on the lookout for young girls would grab Lara and Molly while they were browsing in a store.  This terrible fear that some sort of sexualised attack would happen – some monster crawling out of Starbucks would immediately spot the girls and whisk them off.

Parental terror of sexual attack on their daughters by Someone Out There is totally immune to actual facts.  Such as our sons are far more likely to suffer criminal violence      My son aka The Boy aka Ben, has been attacked twice.  Once aged 15 he and his friends were mugged for their phones.  A year later, he and a friend were chased by a group of lads.  Ben flagged down a car and asked for help.  ‘How did you know the driver would be ok?’ I asked.  He said that the driver was a woman and she had a baby’s car seat in the back so ‘she was less likely to be a psycho.’  Lara travels by bus to school every day (as does Molly) and sooner or later, someone creepy will clumsily chat her up, or say something offensive and I will not be there to rescue her.

Overprotecting your children leaves them anxious, uncertain and a pain in the arse to live with.  I know because I was overprotected.  I was that infuriating roommate who didn’t clean the bath and drank the last of the milk because my parents kept me in a little bubble; such was their fear of the world.  Thanks to my college friends showing their disapproval by saying: ‘Clean the f***ing bath you lazy bint,’ I learned and became much better at communal living.  But my dad in particular was very anxious about the world and what people might think, so whenever I tried to go out with my friends (believe it or not I had a few), he would mutter darkly about ‘wicked people’.  He never told me what these ‘wicked people’ might look like or sound like but assured me they existed.  One one occasion I got horribly drunk on cheap sherry and puked but managed to do so in the sink over the dirty dishes.  In terms of teenage rebellion it was pretty mild, but from my parents reaction you would have thought I’d been caught under a pile of men doing sex AND crack.  And in retrospect, their anger was more about the fact that I had been ‘disobedient’ than indulging in harmful behaviour.  Having learned I couldn’t talk to my parents, I became far more adept at hiding my harmful behaviour.  Overprotective parenting leads to sneaky behaviour.  I couldn’t talk to my parents about the stuff that really bothered me and I knew my dad in particular was concerned about my ‘innocence’ so I learned to lie better.

I grew into an anxious and insecure young woman, unsure of my place in the world, afraid of speaking up, convinced that if I took a small risk, then something terrible would happen.  In fact I was one big Moro reflex.  Even now if my boyfriend suddenly springs something on me, like ‘Let’s go to Reykjavik,’ I instinctively do ‘a Moro’ and immediately freeze, thinking of a million reasons why we couldn’t possibly.

‘Behold the wholly sanitized childhood without skinned knees or the occasional C in history,’ says Psychology Today who recently published a piece arguing that helicopter parents are raising A Nation of Wimps.  Parents are so geared towards academic achievement, they fail to teach their special snowflakes any actual life skills.  Or allow them to fail without rushing in to rescue them.

I met one such parent on University Open Day.   She pointed out most forcefully that her teenage son was a ‘poet’ and would he get some support if he worked on his first collection while continuing his studies?  I asked the boy what kind of poetry he wrote, and crimson faced, he muttered something that sounded like ‘feelings’.  The poor boy – with a mother like that, I’m sure he had plenty of them.

This is why I was determined that both my children would be confident, self-actualised people.  To do this their father and I made sure they went to pre-school to develop their social skills (and yes so I could work) and I’ve tried very hard to make sure that I show my faith in them – that they can do things and if they fail, it’s fine as long as they try.  And I want them both to stride into the world, not tiptoe.  Girls particularly alas, still absorb the message that they must be ‘likeable’, not take up too much space, not shout, or laugh too loudly, not to enjoy their sexuality too much – be sexy, yes but for boys, not for their own pleasure.  So to be this confident adult I believe Lara needs to test herself, to be able to brush off an unwanted approach, to explore on her own, to tell someone if necessary to f*** off or she’ll scream her head off.  ‘I got into some bad situations because I was far too polite,’ I told her.  Don’t put up with some berk sitting next to you and being offensive because you don’t want to be thought of as ‘rude’.  As this piece brutally explains, the overprotective parent is really really messing up their kids.

Take. A step. BACK. You’re damaging your child’s damn brain. Literally. What them young churrins need the most is the chance to be stressed, to be scared, and to be unsure of what’s going to happen next. They need to learn to adapt and grow and most importantly, they need to realize that while something might suck a whole hell of a lot, it’s not going to kill them. They need the opportunity to develop the tough skin that will get them through the black hole of awfulness that is adulthood. Do you want a fierce, self-actualized, confident kid or a floundering, mess of insecurity and self-doubt?

I really didn’t want to.  But on this occasion I had to rush into town and rescue Lara and Molly from having hot chocolate in a café while gleefully going through their purchases.

helicopter-parenting-6-638

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I know how you feel when your work is judged

rejection-slip

To my students.  I know how you feel when your work is  judged

This academic year I’m teaching the new Open University MA in Creative Writing.  I’m also doing some critical reading of the script materials.  And like thousands of other writers, I’m trying to get my own work off the ground.  When I wear my OU hat, I try to guide my students, offer support and constructive feedback when they want it.  And sometimes when they don’t.  But as a writer, I’m prepared to believe that the idea I’ve developed and lovingly shaped is complete shite if it’s rejected.  Maybe less so than I used to – sometimes I go through old ideas and surprise myself at how good they are.  I also remind my students that truly brilliant ideas have been turned down again and again by institutions who should know better.  Caitlin Moran’s Raised by Wolves was turned down by the BBC because they apparently had their one sitcom with women in it already.  And in 1974, Fawlty Towers was also turned down by the BBC

Last week, however, I girded my loins and asked for a meeting with a lovely BBC Producer to whom I’d sent some ideas.  It doesn’t matter how many times ideas have been accepted, liked or commissioned. It really doesn’t.  Because all I can ever remember are the ideas that were shot down in flames.  Or even worse on one occasion, I came up with an idea, the producer liked it and asked for a few scenes, so I wrote and sent them and the producer sent them back within a few hours saying she didn’t understand what I was on about and she didn’t like them. And it wasn’t funny.  As if not liking any of the scenes hadn’t convinced me of my worthlessness enough.  I emailed her back saying, thank you for looking at it anyway bitch, before putting my head down on the desk and crying.  That was a bad one.

Since then I’ve had work commissioned, work rejected, and I’ve toughened up.  I still feel that sinking gloom at a rejection and sometimes no contact at all – or – and I’m not sure what’s worse – flattery and faux friendship followed by the wheedling expectation that your work is meant to be free.  To both proposals I say f*** you.  If anyone thinks it’s reasonable for you to work for exposure tell them you’ll do it IF they can persuade your bank/landlord to let this month’s mortgage/rent go and in return they will tell all their friends what a fantastic organisation/landlord they are.  Fair?

The producer I was to meet was having serious last minute casting issues on another play but agreed to see me anyway. We found a coffee house and had one of their medium sized cappuccinos  (roughly the size of the English Channel).  Then she switched off her phone, got out her big notepad and pen and listened.  Horribly aware of the other pressures she was under,  I found myself blundering over a pitch that sounded good on paper but was coming out as what Cady in Mean Girls would describe as Word Vomit.

It’s about this woman . . . who . . oh no .  .hang on . . .what would happen if Mother Theresa was waiting in the green room . . (shit!  Shit!  She’s not laughing.  Or smiling. She hates me. Definitely) and this woman . . bugger . . then what happens?

I took a breath, and pushed the paper with my neatly typed proposals across the table.  Just read this? Please?

She did and she laughed and she liked them and we chatted about what was going to happen next.  Possibly.

But I’m telling this story because I made many silly mistakes and even though it came out ok, it might not have.

Firstly if you email a producer/director with an idea and they get back to you suggesting a meeting, don’t email back going all bleuggghhhh on them.  Which means – your first email is a polite, restrained and professional communication but your second goes all Girl Interrupted and you tell this person you don’t know at all that you have just broken up with your partner because he didn’t understand your writing passion and you were just about to give up and she’s like just saved you.  Stuff that will tempt the producer to close down the email account because the formerly professional writer whose idea sounds interesting has just turned into a crazed stalker.

If you agree to meet at a well known chain of eateries make sure you know exactly which one.  Don’t do as I did which was to arrive early and then wonder if I was at the right branch because there was another one nearby and if the producer emerged from the other side of the tube she might have gone to the other one . . .

. . . and then rush round the corner to see if there was another branch.  There used to be another branch but it had since been turned into a hairdresser.  I raced back to the first one, my table now gone, totally frazzled, so when the producer actually walked in, I was shaky and panting like the aforementioned crazed stalker.

Don’t apologise for taking up said producer’s time at least three times.  (I’m so embarrassed by this)  Instead say it once then shut up.

A meeting with a producer is a bit like a first date.  You want to make a connection but not come over all creepily agreeable like a nodding dog.  The best way to do this is to listen actively.  People who know how to listen are always described as being good conversationalists.

So I’m saying to my students, on the BA and MA course – I know how hard it is and how nakedly fragile you feel when your work is exposed and picked over.  And because I know what it’s like I think it makes me a more empathetic tutor.

 

 

 

 

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Things not to say to a person with Crohns or colitis

I’ve recently been diagnosed with Crohns.   It’s a new landscape and I’ve a lot to learn.  Like there are side-effects. To Crohns.  Not only do I have a condition – it has sucky side effects too!  Like mouth ulcers.  (A daily mouthwash with Corsodyl seems to help).  And anaemia because Crohns doesn’t make you feel tired enough.  One good thing though –  I’ve had anaemia for most of my life and like lots of people, just get on with it.  But it wasn’t until a doctor was standing over me in hospital and said: ‘You have pernicious anaemia,’ in a tone that suggested it was my fault, that I decided to get serious about it.  I now take four Floradix iron tablets a day and feel so much better for it.

Quick side note here: Ladies – don’t put up with anaemia.  Go see your doctor and get treated.  I’m furious with myself for semi-ignoring it and functioning at 60% for several years.

So I had a Crohns attack yesterday, caused, I think, by the very medication I’ve been given to rid myself of two gastric ulcers – another side effect!  Omeprazole is prescribed to reduce stomach acid and yet one of the main side effects mirrors an attack of Crohns or colitis ie stomach pains, nausea, bleeding and diarrhoea.  I was prescribed four a day, and after a few days, began waking up at night with horrible wind and stomach pain –  Which sounds fairly mild until you’re in the grip of this nauseous knot of pain, lodged under the ribs that just won’t shift.  I spent most of yesterday rolling round on the bed clutching pillows and hot water bottles chewing on deflatine (total waste of time). Eventually I crawled into a hot bath and it gradually melted the pain away.  Here’s a thing.  As I sit here typing this, I get a small twinge and freeze.   It could just be a wee bit of wind.  Or the precursor to a full-blown attack.  Which sets my mind scuttling over everything I ate today.  Was it that ginger biscuit? Two bites of doughnut?  Apple?

No it was just wind.  Phew.

Crohns is so not sexy.

So side issue.  I have to get those gastric ulcers cured, but I can’t take any more omeprazole.  And I’m tackling the anaemia.

But one downside of a new diagnosis is the comments.   Because what with these ‘nutritionists’ everywhere (hey who needs actual qualifications when you have thousands of Instagram followers) plus friends and family trying to be helpful, you’re never short of an opinion.

You look ok.

Thanks.  Next time I have an attack I’ll take photos of me crying in pain and rolling round on the bed.

You’re so skinny.  Lucky you!

Hmm –  not absorbing nutrients due to my stroppy colon lucky? The agonising stomach cramps lucky? I love food.  I hate to think I may become paranoid about it.  And being too thin over 45 is not a good look.

You can’t be that tired

Yes I can.  Even with the iron tablets, after an attack I’m fit for nothing.

My friend followed a <insert batshit diet> and she’s completely cured!

It’s entirely possible that the person you mention felt much better on her batshit diet and that’s great.  But Crohns is tricky and what works for one person may not for another.  I am still finding out what works for me – via a food diary.  These kinds of dietary pronouncements are often delivered in a hectoring tone, carrying the implicit message – serves you right you have Crohns you filthy meat eater.

I know just how you feel.  I had terrible wind/stomach cramps/indigestion/verbal diarrhoea once.

Unless you’ve had a bowel disease you don’t know what I feel.

All useful tips welcome!

 

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Remember! Don’t go to bed until you’ve finished going to the toilet

loo-roll

Said my leaflet on Colonoscopy preparation.  Those useful nuggets of information just kept on coming.  I was very grumpy anyway because it was 4pm, the colonoscopy and endoscopy appointment was next day, I was starving and the only thing going into my stomach was two litres of a laxative called Moviprep.

I’d bought some concentrated squash in the hope of making the Moviprep taste slightly less grim.  It turned out to be an excellent idea.  I mixed up the first litre batch about 5pm.  Some suggest that it tastes better if its really cold (what – so you pretend it’s some kind of vile cocktail?) but I have sensitive teeth so I squirted in some squash and gulped it back.   Again some recommend you use a straw and suck it up as far back in your mouth as you can, the theory being that you avoid your tastebuds.  I preferred to just chug it back and then have a drink of something nice to reward myself.  Punishment and reward.  Those old Catholic habits run deep.

It was horrible.  Salty and faintly viscous.  With the added squash, it also had a top note of sickeningly sweet fake fruit.  But it filled me up.  Result.  I went off and read my book listening out for my stomach gurgling.  Twenty minutes later I walked to the bathroom.  If it’s going to be like this all the way, it’ll be a breeze I thought.  Oh foolish me.

My boyfriend was connecting my outdoor freezer to a covered socket and asked me to admire his handiwork.  This was ten minutes after my first lavatory visit.  Taking a step forward I felt my stomach contract, I belted to the bathroom and didn’t have time to shut the door.

Bloody hell said my boyfriend from the living room.  Oh the romance of it.  We’d had a conversation recently about how I would never cut my toenails in front of him.  ‘You have to keep some mystery,’ I said.  Trying to preserve the remaining shreds of my dignity I hovered in the bathroom for a bit and then sidled back into the living room.  Another half hour went by.  Time for the second litre.

So I made up another jug of the foul stuff, poured a glass, added a squeeze of lemon and chugged it down.  This time it tasted salty and viscous with a sour topnote.  You are advised to drink an extra 500ml of clear fluid as well, so I had a dreary lemon and ginger tea to follow.  All herb teas are dull but this one was particularly feeble.  Still it wasn’t Moviprep and that was good enough for me.

After you drink the first litre your body expels any remaining solid food.  Once the second litre is chugged, frankly you might as well sit on the lavatory for the next couple of hours because you get ZERO warning.  Put a cushion against your back, get in a supply of baby wipes and read a book.  That way you can listen to the gurglings and fire hose gushings of your body with mild detachment rather than the horror of being caught with your pants up.

I drank the second litre at 8pm and got off the lavatory at 10.30 feeling very tired and thirsty.  Chronic diarrhoea is very dehydrating.  So I went to bed and fell instantly asleep.

What the leaflet didn’t tell me was if there is even the slightest amount of liquid left to come out, it sometimes doesn’t emerge for a few hours.  Why? How? Where does it hide in my poxy colon? At 3am, I don’t think Mo Farrah could have moved any faster to the bathroom and lucky for me the seat had been left up.  So I would suggest –  however grim it sounds – to keep a bucket by the bed (sexy).

Next morning my boyfriend drove me to Ealing Hospital where I was looked after me so well when I was admitted with suspected Ulcerative Colitis.  I found the endoscopy and colonoscopy department, suitably located in the bowels of the hospital.  I settled in for at least half an hour with Take a Break (My amazing sex with a wall! My Ninja Kitten left me for dead! Psychic jellies! Farting parrots!) when I was grabbed by a nice Irish girl and hustled into the ward (‘Let’s go . . . we’ve had some cancellations . . ‘) and before I knew what was up, I was changing into my hospital gown and sexy colonoscopy pants, complete with velcro flap at the back.

A friendly nurse whisked over and did my cannula with great efficiency.  The Gastroenterologist came over to talk to me.  He was lovely and talked me through the whole procedure, including risks (1 in 14000 chance of them perforating my bowel).  Did I have any questions? I mentioned that there seems to be a lot of research into the gut.  ‘Are you a doctor?’ he asked.  It’s funny how a basic interest in medicine brings forth this question.  I mentioned that I’d just read of some research linking change in the gut bacteria to M.E.  A writer friend of mine has this and it’s decimated her life – she is only in the last few years properly moving forward and what makes it worse is that some people think it’s all in the head.

I was wheeled into theatre to meet the rest of the team – all five of them.   Harvey the technician, Melanie the nurse, Dr Gordon the gastroenterologist, Andrew the student and the guy sitting, ignoring everyone and texting on his phone was the Professor.  ‘We’ll all be looking after you,’ said Melanie cheerfully.  I thought of how much this would cost in a US hospital and my heart swelled.

First the endoscopy.  I had five squirts of a throat antiseptic.  It tasted faintly of banana wrapped in a chemical plant.  When the endascope was gently put into my mouth I didn’t choke or feel ‘choky’.  It was slightly uncomfortable and lasted about five minutes.  Discomfort on a scale from 1 – 10 it was a 2.

Next came the colonoscopy.  The colon is roughly five foot long.  Mine is also particularly twisty which meant I had to keep turning over on my back, my side, and back again while the Professor pressed down on my stomach, causing pockets of severe wind pain.  They were very thorough and when it began to hurt they upped my sedative but it all took about half an hour and was uncomfortable.  But thanks to their thoroughness they found two gastric ulcers.  And what about the colitis – did I still have it?

‘No,’ said the Professor.  ‘We think you have Crohn’s disease.’

‘Oh,’ I said.  ‘Thank you.’  Befuddled I was wheeled back to the recovery room and a nurse brought me a cup of tea and a chicken sandwich (both ambrosial) but I couldn’t get a signal so was unable to look up the symptoms of Crohn’s.  The Gastroenterologist came to talk to me.  He told me that Crohn’s is a tricky beast and can be very mild in some patients.  Into the silence fell the obvious opposite – the terrible debilitating kind.   I follow Sue Marsh’s blog, Diary of a Benefit Scrounger and she has very debilitating Crohn’s.  I still remember the post where she had to drag herself across town for an Atos interview, bringing all her medication – which she then spilled across the desk.  She hasn’t updated her blog for a while but wrote movingly and without a shred of self-pity about the crippling pain, the opiate haze, the diarrhoea.

I picked up medication to get rid of the ulcers and my boyfriend took me home.  I was tired from the sedative, but otherwise felt fine.  Today I went to a yoga class.  I still feel fine.  After my hospital stint, I stopped eating spicy food and because I was a little paranoid about processed food, stopped snacking.  I had one attack and that was after a bowl of homemade tomato soup with fennel – maybe it was too acidic.

I’ve been newly diagnosed with something that frightens me but I feel fine.  Now what?

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Ulcerative Colitis: Crippling pain, bleeding and crap jokes

ibs

3am back in July and I woke, with crippling stomach cramp.  I remember a doctor friend saying that 90% of stomach pain was wind and struggled to lay flat on my stomach, waiting for the agonising bunched fist to go.   The pain suddenly morphed into nausea and my mouth soured as I vomited copiously.  Odd what goes through you head – I suddenly realised why I dislike those poncy ‘foams’ that are perched onto your food in post restaurants – they reminded me of when you have nothing left in your stomach but are still being sick.

Two minutes later diarrhoea decides to join the party.   It was like my own body was turning on me.  What was it?  Food poisoning?  Trembling with something – cold? I climbed into a hot bath which soothed my stomach.  An hour later, birds twittering,  I staggered back to bed, waking in a sweaty tangle of sheets to see both cats curled up next to me.  I like to think they were anxious for me, but it’s rubbish – the furry little gits were just hungry. It was comforting though.

The next day I felt mildly better, but was unable to eat anything apart from half a rice cake and some herb tea.  ‘Go to the doctor,’ said my boyfriend, (we don’t live together) so I made an appointment for a few days hence.  ‘Go and ask for an emergency appointment,’ snapped my boyfriend.  ‘I’m feeling much better,’ I said nibbling at my dinner, a cup of tea.  I realised I am my mother who if her leg was sheared off, would hop to the hospital so as ‘not to bother anyone’.  The day after that, I felt much better and ate half a baked potato, only to throw it up two hours later.  Still diarrhoea and now bleeding too.  I entered my symptoms into google and wait for the word ‘CANCER’ to appear.  Crohn’s? Bowel Cancer? Diverticulitis?

Half way up the road for an emergency doctor’s appointment, an iron fist gripped my stomach so ferociously, I doubled up crying in pain.  Staggering home, I called an ambulance and spent a good five minutes apologising for doing so.  I crawled around the flat, gathering money, keys and shutting windows.  I texted my lovely neighbour asking her to feed my cats.  Then after ten minutes, three of the handsomest paramedics I’ve ever seen marched purposefully into my flat.  One of them carried a sideboard which opened into a Tardis of medical equipment. I started apologising all over again.  ‘Oh don’t worry love,’ said Mr Handsome No 1.  ‘We’ve got a lady who phones us about once a month saying her parrot doesn’t look well.’  Mr Handsome No 2 adds, ‘People are divided into two groups. Those who think of us as some sort of taxi service and people like you who wait till they’re practically dying before calling us for help.’  I asked why there were three paramedics.  ‘It’s a code red,’ said Mr Handsome No 3.  ‘Because you’re bleeding.’  He tapped the side of his nose.

I was admitted to Ealing Hospital for five days, in a blistering heatwave, attached to a drip, poked, prodded and pumped with an antibiotic which stopped the bleeding.  The worst bit apart from the appalling food (Steamplicity ‘can change the whole patient meal experience’ they trilled in hideous management speak.  Yes by putting them off food forever) was when they had to change my cannula. When you have a needle in your arm longer than three days, an infection can set in so they have to pull it out and insert the needle somewhere else on your arm.  Unfortunately the new vein chosen by my nurse had a bone in the way.  As the needle went in, the shock of pain was so blinding, I immediately dry heaved into a cardboard bowl.  The nurses both looked at me in surprise as though a bedpan had burst into song.  Being around people in pain must innur you in some way.  And yet these same nurses were incredibly patient with the elderly lady in the next room who kept trying to climb out of bed ‘to go to a wedding.’

I’ve been diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and am booked in for a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks.  ‘Oh and a gastroscopy,’ said the Consultant cheerfully.  ‘We call them a top n’ tail.’  I had a picture in my head of some wide angled lens up my bottom and something vaguely Deep Throat going on at the other end.  ‘But not at the same time,’ he added.  ‘Any questions?’ The million questions I had five seconds ago, are obliterated from my head. There’s something about lying half naked in bed,surrounded by doctors that does this to you.  ‘So what can I eat?’ I managed to blurt out.   ‘Oh just a normal diet,’ said Mr Consultant sweeping out, followed by a trail of doctors.

What is a normal diet?  It seems I have joined a new club, filled with conflicting advice.  Some say I should avoid the wholemeal bread and brown rice I’ve been eating for years.  No peas, beans or raw fruit and veg?  The most sensible so far seems to be to keep a food diary and just ‘enjoy your food.’ There are numerous books out on what to eat, but UC is an unpredictable beast and no two cases are the same.  I’ve hardly touched alcohol since July, and I’ve avoided eat spicy food anymore which makes me sad because I love Indian and Thai food.  But I still had an attack last week after a bowl of homemade tomato and fennel soup.  Also part of that unpredictability are the side effects of UC, namely severe anaemia, mouth ulcers and exhaustion.

So I have a chronic long term condition.  Bummer.  People don’t make jokes about breast pain.  Breasts are beautiful and nobody has an problem with wearing a pink tee or displaying breasticle related information.  But I can’t see people proudly wearing poo brooches or celebs showing us how to check our bottoms.  (Mind you I could see someone pointing at a lifesize cutout of Jeremy Hunt and saying: ‘Here is a massive arse.  Let’s check him to see if he’s full of shit.’)  The problem is that bowel problems are just not sexy.

I do, however, have a colonoscopy to look forward to next week.  The prep apparently involves Not Eating for 48 hours and drinking large quantities of a sinister liquid laxative. Fun times.

If anyone out there has had a colonoscopy or gastroscopy, any tips or tricks please?

 

 

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Donald Trump: Are there any shocks left?

Donald Trump flies into Scotland today, his red hatted man of the people posturing at the ready.  He is on a whistlestop tour to open a golf course in Turnberry, henceforth to be known as Trump Turnberry.

In 2010, Mr Trump promised the people of Scotland he would ‘build the biggest golf course in the world’ and create ‘six thousand jobs’ with the luxury hotel he was also planning to build, and 1500 luxury homes.  Go to his golf website with its un-ironic royal stamp of Trumpness and he says, when I first saw the coastline, I was overwhelmed by the imposing dunes and rugged Aberdeenshire coastline.  So I decided to bulldoze it and build a massive golf course. – golf courses being one of the most environmentally unsound things you could do.  Alex Salmond gave the go ahead, seemingly believing Mr Trump’s promises about saving the Scottish economy and respecting local concerns.

This is what actually happened.  He bullied local residents who did not want to move, with compulsory purchase orders.  The way he treated local, Michael Forbes, simply for refusing to sell his home, which was and still is inconveniently situated in the middle of Trump’s estate is a perfect example of Trump meeting someone who will not be bought.  When they first met, Mr Forbes said, ‘he was being all nicey nicey saying how successful he was and how much money he had.’  (THAT was Trump being all nicey nicey??) ‘That was it for me. I took an instant dislike to him.’  Don’t blame you mate.  When Mr Forbes refused to sell, Trump threw a massive tantrum, calling Mr Forbes ‘a disgusting pig’.

When residents such as Susan Monroe and David Milne refused to move from their home, his bulldozers dumped huge walls of mud and dirt outside their house.  Power and water were randomly cut off by his bulldozers and when Anthony Baxter, the documentary maker of You’ve Been Trumped asked why, he was arrested.

And what of Mr Trump’s promises to revitalise the Scottish economy?  He did not build the hotel or the luxury homes he promised, and of the 6000 jobs he boasted, he has created under 100 low paying ones.  He showed nothing but contempt for the environment or the people of Scotland, which is why so many of them today are hoisting Mexican flags in a show of solidarity.  US voters would do well to look at Donald Trump’s behaviour in Turnberry Scotland as it’s a microcosm of the yawning gap between his bombastic promises and complete failure to deliver.

What a shame you don’t get giant alligators in Scotland.Giant Alligator

But the truly frightening thing is that people who are going to vote for Trump in the US, have seen and heard all he has to offer and accept it totally. Because that’s why con artists are called artists.  They don’t take anything from us – we willingly give to them.  He has been around so long, that his racist, mysoginistic, bumper-car-sticker sayings are just the way he rolls.

He has no cohesive policies at all.

He gets his information off the internet.

He wants to build a wall to prevent Mexican ‘rapists’ from coming to the US.

He thinks the best place for women is ‘on their knees’.

He has shown from his handling of the Aberdeen Golfing Fiasco of 2010 that he is a man who brags, bullies and then screams abuse at anyone who doesn’t fall in with his plans.

He is a liar.

And yet here he is.  What would he have to do to get booted off the ticket?

a) Be filmed mocking a disabled reporter

b) Refer to a lawyer as ‘disgusting’ because she took out a breastfeeding pump.

c) Be filmed punching a dog

Yep – A and B have happened.  Yet here he is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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