Experts Say . . .!

When I wrote for magazines, one of the phrases most often used in editorial was: “Experts say . . ” or “Experts agree . . ” and then you’d have to phone up the British Psychological Society to find a psychologist flogging a book who’d be happy to endorse whatever shite you had to say in the article. I have to say Dorothy Rowe, that wonderful wise Yoda of psychologists was always friendly and didn’t cringe at some of my dumber commissions such as: What does shaving your pubes into a lightning bolt say about you? Experts say . . . (That you have far too much time on your hands?)

We had to find at least two sources that backed up our point of view though, so if a lawyer or far worse a PR company came after us we could point to proper research that did indeed say that women with lightning bolt shaped pubes were more extrovert than women with ordinary hamster fluff pubes. Incredible though it may seem.

But now – whenever I hear Experts Say, or Experts Agree, if it’s not backed up with solid research – I just think: “You’re making it up”. Because they are. Or it’s based on a survey of 12 people in Kansas. Anyway, I’ve just read a survey that says beautiful women are more likely to stray because they’re constantly seeking a more alpha mate. And this survey is based on 52 women in Texas. Whoo hoo!

It’s always about changing up with women, apparently. We only shag about to get a Higher Earning Male. But I’ve got a very beautiful friend who also happens to be very dirty. She just doesn’t look dirty – she looks quite proper and English Rose. So she attracts lots of guys who to put it bluntly, get very upset when she gently suggests that a swift poke and a grunt just doesn’t do it for her. She’s just come out of a relationship (the only time she did come frankly) with a man who on paper was fine, but the sex wasn’t working. “So when did you realise?” I asked. “When he got his clothes off but it seemed rude to say – er I’ve changed my mind.” Oh dear. And the actual sex was of the nipple-twiddling-as-if-trying-to-locate-Radio-Luxembourg variety-followed-by-a-few-jabs. So my friend suggested various other possibilities all of which met with “But what would I do with my hands?” and “Dear me how messy!” They’ve just broken up and he’s back on the Dating Scene. I’ve had a look at his online profile and oddly enough it doesn’t say Shit in Bed anywhere. But he’s nice looking and owns his own company so maybe that’s enough for some women. Not the proper dirty ones though . . . .

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