Never mind the crumbling economy, the Iranian elections, the fear of unemployment or the ever encroaching rampage of swine flu, it’s summer and ladies – that means Are You Bikini Ready? That sentence is everywhere on Laydee News. You’d think that over the summer, British women forgo wearing clothes altogether and just mince about in string bikinis. Why here I am right now sitting in front of my computer wearing only a string bikini, feeling vaguely foolish and just hating the way my stomach sticks out. And even if you do cut out entire food groups or exist on cardboard cereal to lose weight, the Mail warns you could contract the dreaded flesh eating bikini bug!
Of course you could buy that new slimming pill that costs about £50 a month and causes your lower intestines to run out of your arse? Oooh sexy. Or you could pay a beauty therapist to rub micro anti-cellular gel with added liposomes onto your legs while you lie there wincing and tearing up fivers. I happened to switch on Lorraine Kelly this morning who was talking to a nice lady about whether the £400 cellulite treatment she had road tested had actually worked. And here’s the before and after said Lorraine showing the pictures of the lady’s before and after thighs. It’s more important how you feel added Lorraine after the two seconds it took to realise that there was absolutely no difference whatsoever. I do feel more toned though said the lady obediently. Her eyes told a different story though. They said I am standing in a pink swimsuit on national television talking bollocks. . Here’s my solution.
1. Go to Elizabeth Hurley Beachware. Look at the prices she charges. Pay particular attention to the strapless towelling beach ‘dress’ ie a towel with buttons which costs £105. Laugh very loudly. Feel better instantly.
2. Go and buy a cheap cotton kaftan.
3. Put it on over your swimming cozzie.
4. Have an ice cream.